


Pretend We Used To Be Lesbian Lovers! Do It For The Children!

by seriousfic



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Crack, F/F, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Gen, Pretending to Be Gay
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-17
Updated: 2014-03-28
Packaged: 2018-01-16 03:20:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,946
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1329979
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/seriousfic/pseuds/seriousfic
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Emma knows Henry can't remember, but she wants him to know Regina is his mother. His other mother. Surely, there's a story she can come up with that could explain how Henry has two mothers...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

“Regina and I were lesbians!” Emma blurted out.

 

“What?” Henry asked.

 

“What?” Regina repeated, though hers was more a flat _what_ than a question.

 

“ **What?** ” Mary-Margaret said. That was definitely a question.

 

The rest of the diner didn’t say anything, but it was clear their thoughts were running along the same lines.

 

Emma had not meant to say that. She had just meant to introduce Regina to Henry so Regina could get _some_ time with him before they found a memory potion for him. But seeing Regina’s heart breaking, and Henry so oblivious, she just had to say _something._

Something decidedly more heterosexual, she should’ve specified.

 

“I mean…” Emma worked on figuring out what she meant. “Before you were born, Henry, Regina and I were in a very intimate, loving relationship and I used in-utero fertilization and turkey basters and stuff to get pregnant and we were going to raise you together, but then we broke up before you were born and I made up a story about Neal but now it’s time for you to meet your real other mom. Hi!”

 

Henry looked at Regina with new eyes. Somewhat guilty eyes, given the way he’d been eying her cleavage a moment ago. “You’re my… mom?”

 

Regina glanced at Emma in surprise before focusing on her son. “Yes. Yes, I am.”

 

“You can’t be my mom! You didn’t raise me! You didn’t spend any time with me! You’re not a mother just because you show up in my life after eleven years!”

 

“ _Thank you_ ,” Regina said emphatically.

 

Emma gritted her teeth. Some people. But still, she’d had a pretty good year with Henry, all because of Regina, and she owed her. “Henry, the break-up was my fault. I cheated on Regina.”

 

“With who?” Henry demanded, then noticing Mary-Margaret was still staring at them. “Oh my god, is _that_ why Regina’s been giving her the stinkeye?”

 

“Yes!” Regina said quickly, then ‘forced’ a smile at Mary-Margaret. “But that was a long time ago and we’ve all moved on.”

 

Mary-Margaret looked on in horror. “I… I… _porn!_ ”

 

“Yes, they made a sex tape,” Regina added. “I was shocked. But I’m over it.”

 

David took Mary-Margaret by the arm. “Maybe we should give them some time alone.”

 

Emma too hurried to clean up the situation. She grabbed Regina and sat her down in the booth with herself and Henry. “Regina and I will always… have feelings for each other.” Regina nodded slightly at the oh-so-truthful statement. “But more importantly, we both love you very much and Regina would like to get a chance to know you. We’ve been writing each other a lot over the past few months, talking about you, and, well… as long as we’re in Storybrooke… look, I know this is a lot to take in—“

 

“No, no, it all sort of makes sense,” Henry said at length. “I was wondering why you two kept giving each other weird looks.”

 

“Weird looks?” Emma asked, giving Regina a concerned stare. Regina met her eyes—their gazes locking, a smile toying with the corners of Emma’s lips as she delved into Regina’s soft eyes…

 

“You’re doing it again,” Henry broke in.

 

***

 

The town meeting was in an uproar. Some were frantically looking for their loved ones in the crowd. Others were shouting accusations, usually in regards to the absent Regina. Many more were simply demanding to know how the changes of the lost year had happened to them—whether it be ornate tattoos, elaborate hairdos, or in the case of one woman, a thick, bushy beard.

 

“People, people, please,” David called. “Calm yourselves. We’re going to get to the bottom of this, but first, there is a matter of the utmost importance and urgency to deal with.”

 

Out of loyalty to their King, the townspeople fell silent. Now each watched attentively to see what Snow White’s husband required of them.

 

“My daughter Emma has told her son Henry that Regina Mills is her ex-girlfriend so that Regina has an explainable maternal connection to Henry. Thus, _we all have to act like Regina and Emma were lesbian lovers._ ”

 

“They aren’t?” Granny asked.

 

“Your highness,” Robin Hood called. “I have it on good authority that anyone who tries to leave town is not only attacked by flying monkeys, but turned into one themselves--!”

 

David raised a cordial hand. “Yes, Robin, that’s very nice, but right now we need to focus on selling Henry on Emma and Regina being gay. Now, who here has any ideas on ways to make it seem as if they were dating around eleven years ago?”

 

***

 

“Hello Regina!” Ruby called briskly as Regina walked through the door to the diner. “I’ll have your usual coming right up!”

 

Regina took a confused seat at her usual place on the counter. “My usual?”

 

Quick as a jiffy, Ruby set a plate of fresh fruit in front of Regina. “Your mangos, your highness.”

 

“Mangos?”

 

“Yes. Everyone knows—certain people—like mangos.”

 

“Ah.” Regina gave one a poke. “After thirty years in this world, I forgot that the Enchanted Forest had its own… _clichés_ when it comes to those ‘certain people’. But you are aware that Henry doesn’t know any of those? To him, I’ll just seem like someone who happens to like mangos.”

 

“Well, it’ll help you get into character.”

 

“Believe me, dear, it’ll take more than some ripe fruit for me to pretend that I could ever find Emma Swan the least bit appealing.” With that, Regina took a petite bite and considered the taste. “Where’ve you been, anyway?”

 

“Hmm?”

 

“You. It seems like I haven’t seen you for weeks, now suddenly, here you are.”

 

“Oh, you know.” Ruby brushed a hair back behind her ear. “Been busy. Doing stuff. Things. Stuff.”

 

“You said stuff.”

 

“I was thinking of other stuff. So, two stuffs in all.”

 

Regina raised an eyebrow. “I’d half-imagined you’d been shacked up with a guy all this time.”

 

Ruby actually blushed. “W-why would you say that?”

 

“Well, I haven’t been seeing much of Pongo either.”

 

Ruby stood bolt upright, visibly chilling. “I know you don’t think much of my chastity, _Mills,_ but to imply I’m such a slut I would actually sleep with a wild animal? That’s just offensive. Who in their right mind would ever—“

 

Emma breezed through the door. “Hey gang.” She eyed Regina. “ _Lover._ ”

 

Regina’s brow furrowed as Ruby moved off. “We’re actually doing this ‘method acting’ thing?”

 

“Do you want a relationship with Henry or not? Ooh, mangos.” Emma sat next to Regina and began to eat ravenously.

 

Regina’s lower lip jutted out. “You’re not the woman I fell in love with.”

 

“Don’t try to change me. I gave you the best years of my life.”

 

***

 

“So you just press X to fire the missiles?” Regina asked.

 

“No, X is lasers, _unless_ you’re holding down R1,” Henry clarified.

 

“Got it.”

 

Coming into Mary-Margaret’s apartment, Emma actually lingered in the doorway to observe the domestic scene before her without interrupting. Regina and Henry were two peas in a pod on the couch, each frantically handling their controllers to guide the polygonal action on the TV set.

 

As if Regina had a sixth sense, the queen looked back over her shoulder at Emma, gave her an actual smile (albeit a quick one), and gestured her in with a flip of her head.

 

“So!” Emma greeted, setting her satchel on the island. “You’ve volunteered to let Henry kick your ass at Death Warriors 3, huh?”

 

“Regina’s actually pretty good at DW3,” Henry insisted. “It just took her a while to get the hang of it.”

 

“Pressing a few buttons to control some silicon fantasy,” Regina practically snorted. “That’s nothing compared to casting a spell to put a stopper on love or make a candle of death—or so I’d imagine,” she added for Henry’s benefit.

 

Emma went to the fridge. It’d been a whole year since she’d looked into it—maybe Mary-Margaret had some Nutella in there. “Well, come talk to me when you get a high score.”

 

“Oh, I’m not familiar with electronic entertainment. Is that this thing?” Pausing the game, Regina displayed the high score screen.

 

At the top was ‘EQ1’.

 

Emma pushed her tongue against the inside of her chin. “Well. I guess everyone gets lucky now and then.”

 

“Yes, just so long as they lower their standards enough.” Regina gave Henry a smile. “Say, do we have any bananas on hand?”

 

Emma closed the fridge door. “Better question: that game have a Versus Mode?”

 

***

 

Emma had brought in Billy Bedlam with a Saturday Night Special and a half-full lighter. She’d slayed a dragon. She’d dueled a pirate. She’d even beaten up some Lost Boys—though, being preadolescent boys, that wasn’t _too_ impressive. Certainly not as cool as defeating a pirate. Albeit a one-handed pirate.

 

The point was, Emma was a badass. So why couldn’t she beat Regina Mills, who was one of those people that _didn’t even own a TV,_ at a _fucking video game?_

“Press X, Y, then R1 and L1 at the same time!” Henry ordered. “You can rip her heart out!”

 

“Oh?” There was a gleam in Regina’s eyes. “ _Can I?”_

***

 

In due course—Emma working on the mystery of who had cursed them, Regina trying to replicate the memory spell—they ended up together in Emma’s Bug, observing Regina’s house for anyone who might want to stop the memory spell. There wasn’t much to talk about. The town’s newfound insistence on them being ex-lovers made things too awkward.

 

The other day, the Blockbuster guy (because Storybrooke still had a Blockbuster; of course it did) tried to pretend Emma had Xena: Warrior Princess on backorder. Emma had had to spend thirty minutes explaining that she really _was_ a Xena fan, but only because it was a quality show about two strong female characters who happened to be really close friends. Why did everything have to be gay innuendo with some people?

 

“I think we’re doing a good job raising a son together,” Regina said suddenly. “I’m glad you had my baby.”

 

“You’re enjoying this, aren’t you?”

 

“Me? You’re the one who supposedly landed all _this._ ” Regina ran a hand down her physique.

 

“Yeah, but that’s for, like, dudes. Look at me. Look at my guns. I’m the Angelina Jolie of lesbians.”

 

“I’m quite sure Angelina Jolie is the Angelina Jolie of lesbians.”

 

“Whatever.” For want of something better to occupy her time, Emma unscrewed her thermos and took a sip of hot coffee.

 

Regina made an appearance of musing thoughtfully. “So, I hear from Henry that you’ve been smelling my clothes and crying.”

 

“ _What?_ ”

 

Regina yawned. “His words.”

 

“Oh.” Emma smiled to herself. “And I suppose you’ve _really_ been staring at the phone, hoping against hope a certain someone calls?”

 

“All day, every day.” Regina grinned. “You don’t suppose the little one wants us to—get back on the horse, so to speak?”

 

“Get back? We were never really dating, Regina, remember? We can’t get back on because we never got off!”

 

Regina gasped in mock-surprise. “You knew I was faking all those orgasms?”

 

Emma ran over her phrasing in her mind. “You know what I mean. And don’t act like you wouldn’t be Mayor of O-town if I were your girlfriend.”

 

“I know we don’t often see eye to eye, but there’s no need to bring boy bands into this. Oh, wait, you were trying to use a clever euphemism.” Regina smiled fondly. “So adorable…”

 

Emma shook her head. “First time I’ve ever seen someone drunk with power off a high score on a video game.”

 

“Death Warriors 3,” Regina corrected pedantically. “It’s a triple-A title.” Then she yawned. “Can our mystery guest just break in already? Say what you will about me, but when I was evil, at least I was punctual. If I said I was going to curse you in a few months, _it happened._ ”

 

Emma offered her the thermos. “Here. Drink.”

 

“What is it?”

 

“An obscure beverage known as ‘coffee’.”

 

Regina gave a withering glare. “What kind of coffee?”

 

“The kind that comes in cans and keeps you awake.”

 

“Do you put any thought into your diet before you shovel things into your maw?”

 

“Yeah. I think ‘if I don’t eat this, someone else is going to eat this’. Then I eat it.”

 

Regina pushed the thermos away. “Do you know what kind of toxins are in that? Bad enough you drive this alleged car, but now you’re treating your body like a toxic waste dump.”

 

“Poetic. You know, you get really grumpy when you don’t have your beauty sleep.”

 

“If you looked this good, wouldn’t you?” Regina stared fixedly at the clock on the dashboard, all but whining _I’m tirrrrrreeeeeeddddddd_ with her petulant expression.

 

Emma sighed. “Just—go in the backseat and take a nap. I’ll wake you if anything happens.”

 

“Emma, I’m hardly going to leave you undertaking a dangerous mission on your—“

 

“You’re not going to fool me into thinking you’re noble and self-sacrificing by making me insist a half-dozen times.”

 

“Oh, very well.” Getting up from her seat, Regina stifled another yawn before trying to clamber into the back of the Bug.

 

‘Try’ being the operative word.

 

“Ummmm…” Regina said.

 

Emma looked over. There was an Evil Queen wedged in the space between headrests, ass up front and torso in the back.

 

“You realize, of course,” Emma began, “that this is a Volkswagen. As in, small. As in, not a lot of room.”

 

“I was tired,” Regina said defensively.

 

“Not much space for two people to maneuver,” Emma continued.

 

“I’m sure you’re quite expert on what can be done within the confines of this vehicle,” Regina countered snidely. She wiggled around, trying to get through—a process Emma tried not to observe too closely. She was trying hard, _very_ hard, not to notice, but Regina had a lot of ass and not much skirt. Or panties, for that matter.

 

“How is it—“ Regina began to demand, “that you’ve spent a year as a responsible, successful mother, yet you still drive a child around in this yellow deathtrap? Why not buy a minivan, so you can drive Henry _and_ some of the friends he’s hopefully made?”

 

“Uh, because I’m not a damn soccer mom?”

 

Regina went still with a huff. “I’m stuck.”

 

“And I’m starting to see the downside of being able to magic up muffins whenever you want.”

 

Regina craned her neck to face Emma as best she could. “As if you wouldn’t _kill_ for hips like these.”

 

“Not at the moment, no. Are you—are you trying to make sweet love to my car, like in that Cameron Diaz movie?”

 

Regina huffed again. “In light of what I’m sure will be _hours_ of entertainment I’ve provided that underdeveloped mind of yours with this situation, would it be too much to ask that you _help me_?”

 

“Sure, let me drive down to the store for some Crisco. I’m sure no one will notice I’ve got Regina Mills stuffed inside like a Garfield doll.”

 

“Crisco?” Regina repeated. “I’m not _that_ stuck.”

 

“You can’t move. How much more stuck could you be?”

 

Regina reached over and flicked Emma in the ear (“Ow!”). “I could be unable to do _that._ ”

 

“Do you _want_ me to leave you here until someone steals this car and takes it on some wild crime spree while you’re stuck in the—hold on, I just had a great idea for a movie.”

 

Regina started to _growl._ “Give me a _fucking_ push, Miss Swan, or so help me I’ll—I’ll tell your parents about your Tumblr.”

 

Emma gasped. “You wouldn’t dare!”

 

“All those Michelle Rodriguez gifs—I’m sure you have a good explanation.”

 

Emma cursed under her breath. Why did Regina always pick the worst times to be tech-savvy? “Alright, fine. Keep your panties on.” _Your very thongish panties,_ she thought. “Where do I, uh—“

 

“The obvious solution, Miss Swan.”

 

“That would be your—“

 

“Yes, _Emma,_ you can say the word. My… bottom.”

 

Emma burst out laughing.

 

“Michelle! Rodriguez! Gifs!” Regina repeated stridently.

 

“Okay, okay, I’m just going to—“ Emma sort of practice-cupped Regina’s rear with her hands, hovering them an inch off the skin. “I’ll just—“

 

“Any time now, dearie.”

 

“There!” Emma said, using one hand to give Regina a very quick push and then withdrawing her hand equally quickly.

 

Otherwise known as a slap.

 

“Did you just—“ Regina paused, as if she had to invent the words in the English language to describe what had just happened. “ _Spank me_?”

 

“No…?” Emma tried.

 

Regina’s teeth were being worn down to stubs. “Put your hands. On my _ass._ And push!”

 

“Okay, fine.” Emma paused. “Just let me look for some gloves…”

 

“Now!”

 

***

 

Zelena looked around Regina’s office. Nothing left to trash, it seemed. She’d done what she’d came here to do. Now all that remained was to let the ‘heroes’ almost catch her, and leave them with a mocking glimpse of the enemy that would come to haunt their nightmares.

 

Where were they, anyway? She’d walked in front of the window four times. Were they even paying attention?

 

Going to the window one last time, Zelena peeked through the blinds. And saw the Volkswagen below, rocking back and forth as if a herd of very small wildebeests were stampeding inside.

 

Well, she had to admit, her half-sister did have game.

 

***

 

“Harder!” Regina cried. “Harder!”

 

“Any harder and I’m going be fisting you, majesty!”

 

“Then fist me! Fist me!”

 

“You don’t know what that means, do you?”

 

Suddenly, two things happened. First, Regina came loose, and was propelled into the backseat by the force of Emma’s efforts. Second, by virtue of Emma’s strength no longer meeting any resistance, she herself flew through the gap Regina had just cleared.

 

So she ended up with her face in Regina’s ass while the Mayor was kneeling on the backseat, bent over in the headspace facing the back window.

 

And the nuns who’d just rounded the corner for their morning walk.

 

“This is not what it looks like!” Regina insisted through the window glass, even as Emma pulled back, taking Regina’s panties with her.

 

“This is my thong!” she shouted, yanking it off Regina’s feet.

 

The nuns crossed themselves. Except for Astrid, who gave Regina a thumbs up.

 

Regina always had liked that girl. Maybe she should’ve made her a policewoman instead.

 

“You stole my thong!” Emma insisted.

 

“You left it here! And you took off with how many of my shirts?”

 

“They smelled good!”

 

***

 

Zelena heaved a sigh. Five more minutes, then she was leaving, no matter how lacking an exit it was. Perhaps she’d leave a note behind. Something catchy—unique to her—something that proclaimed her birthright as Cora’s true successor.

 

Five minutes later, Zelena had finished her work. Written on the wall in bold red letters were the words ‘Enemies of the Heir, Beware.’ There. Now there was no way Regina wouldn’t know exactly who the architect of her destruction really was.

 

***

 

“Okay,” Emma said, a little more than five minutes later, “I’ve seen this movie _and_ read the book. First, let’s go around and make sure no one’s writing in diaries, since they could be dark harbingers of pure evil and malice. To be on the safe side, we’ll also check if anyone has a MySpace.”


	2. Chapter 2

“I think we should talk about our relationship,” Emma said suddenly, a dark leather intruder in Regina’s very neat, very organized kitchen. She went to the refrigerator and pulled out a bottle of Yoohoo that Regina had meant for Henry.

 

“Which relationship?” Regina asked. “Our fake lesbian one or—“

 

Emma tapped her nose with her finger as she drank. “Yup,” after she finished, “that’s the one.”

 

“What about it? It’s just an excuse to let me be close to Henry until we get his memory back. Don’t tell me you want to make a fake family album to fool him. There’s telling your kid about Santa Claus, and then there’s putting on red with fur trim.”

 

Emma had a sudden vision of Regina in a Santa Claus outfit. It was not a bad vision. “I was thinking that since we were supposedly all up in each other’s biz—“

 

“Not how I would put it,” Regina said quickly.

 

“We should get our stories straight.” She drank. “So to speak.”

 

“That’s actually a good idea, Emma.”

 

“Think you could manage saying that with a bit less incredulousness?”

 

“I was trying.” With a quick incantation to the gods of chaos, Regina summoned up a glass of wine. “Very well, Emma. Let’s think about how very gay we were.”

 

Emma swaggered herself up onto the island, while Regina leaned back against the counter.

 

“How’d we meet?” Emma asked.

 

“Something involving alcohol,” Regina replied instantly.

 

“Mixer?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“I asked you to dance—“

 

“I asked _you_ to dance.”

 

“You? Regina, I’ve seen Mormons that are less socially awkward.”

 

Regina spread her hands. “Mormons are very friendly people, I don’t understand the comparison.”

 

“Anyway, let’s just agree that if anyone were to hit on anyone, it’d be me. On you.”

 

“Yes, all over me.”

 

Emma leaned her head forward. “Hmm?”

 

“You’d had a few drinks, you were lonely because your last relationship ended with your boyfriend dumping you for a transgender rodeo clown.”

 

“Hey, my relationships end on good terms, I’m a very cool chick!”

 

“Everyone in this room who’s been incarcerated as a result of a break-up…” Regina kept her hand resolutely down, checking her nails as she sipped her wine.

 

“Okay, _maybe_ I was a little desperate. But you were wearing one of those dresses that makes your boobs do the thing.”

 

“What thing?”

 

“You know the thing. I’ve seen you checking yourself out.”

 

“You know, I am sick of the people in this town reducing me to my _cleavage._ ” Regina snorted. “I have a great ass too, if you care to notice.”

 

“Fine, you were wearing a pant suit with really tight pants.”

 

“Thank you.”

 

Emma scratched her ear curiously. “Is this part of your apple theme?”

 

“Apple theme?”

 

“You know, cuz your ass is—never mind.”

 

Regina sauntered a little closer to Emma. “My ass is a scrumptious Georgia peach, Emma. If you must know.”

 

“Okay, you’ve now put a weird amount of thought into it.”

 

“Your ass is an orange.”

 

“Uh… thanks.”

 

“Mary-Margaret’s ass—“

 

“Let’s just stop there.”

 

“You think about these things, living in the same town for twenty-eight years.”

 

“Is you having a crush on my mom going to be part of our fake relationship?”

 

“No.” Regina tapped her chin thoughtfully. “I’m thinking _Roman Holiday_ for our courtship. I took you to get your hair cut stylishly, gave you a Vespa ride, beat up some Secret Service men for you—“

 

“Hold on, how come you get to be Gregory Peck?”

 

“We’re a couple, we can remember it differently. But don’t tell him I got a haircut, my hair was perfect even back then.”

 

“Touchy subject?” Emma keened.

 

“No, I’m just very proud of my timeless look.” Regina ran a hand through her hair. “You should’ve seen your mother with eighties hair. She looked like she was trying out for KISS.”

 

“Moovin’ on—“ Emma announced.

 

“Let’s go with you being a deputy back then. There’s no way I would’ve lowered myself to sleep with a tramp.”

 

“Whoa, things getting personal all of a sudden.”

 

Regina floated her wineglass around dismissively. “In the Charlie Chaplin sense, not in the—“ She gestured at Emma.

 

“In the _me_ sense!?”

 

“Dear, you slept with a monkey.”

 

“ _I was in a very committed relationship with that monkey!”_

Regina’s lips compressed into a thin line. “Moving on?” she asked once Emma had realized what she’d said.

 

“Yes. Please.”

 

“We stumbled across a man selling black-tar heroin and had him arrested, you cuffing him and me serving as an eyewitness to the crime.”

 

“You think that’s believable?”

 

“I think that’s the most believable part of us being in a relationship. Besides, I want to give Henry an anti-drug message.”

 

“Me too. I just don’t want to be all _Mom_ about it.”

 

“Speaking of, you haven’t—“ Regina led on.

 

“Haven’t?” Emma pressed

 

“Well, I’ve heard of father who let their kids have a sip of beer now and then, maybe take a puff on a cigarette…”

 

“Regina, I can count the number of drinks I’ve had in the past year on a single hand. It hasn’t been an issue. I just didn’t have the time to get blotto.”

 

“How… mature,” Regina said, with something not unlike pride in her voice. “And you haven’t… smoked hashish either, have you?”

 

“ _Hashish!?”_

Regina’s hand fizzled in the air. “Or reefers, jazz cigarettes, whatever you want to call them. Wacky tobacky.”

 

“Whacky to—what are you, my grandmother?”

 

“Technically.”

 

Emma smiled like a shark. All teeth. “Believe it or not, Regina, as a woman in her thirties, I do not spend a lot of time with the sticky icky.”

 

“Alright then. Be proud of that.”

 

“I will not,” Emma shot back. “Okay, no more role-playing our fake relationship. I’m starting to feel like a thirteen-year-old girl on tumblr. Bulletpoints. Middle name?”

 

Regina smiled. “Millicent.”

 

“Oof.”

 

“What’s wrong with that?”

 

“Nothing. But no wonder you turned evil.”

 

Regina crossed her arms. “And what’s your middle name, princess?”

 

“Grace,” Emma chimed.

 

Regina laughed darkly.

 

“What’s so funny?”

 

“Nothing, nothing. You’re right. It’s not that funny. Kind of obvious, really. Like calling a bald man Curly, a big guy Tiny—“

 

“I’ve got a shitload of grace, lady. Birthdays? Mine’s July 28th.”

 

“November 5th.”

 

“A Scorpio? Big surprise there.”

 

“The Zodiac, Ms. Swan? You do of course know it’s nonsense, right?” Emma went ‘guff’. “Speaking as someone who _uses magic for a living,_ it’s nonsense.”

 

“That is such a Scorpio thing to say.”

 

Regina pressed on. “Anniversary?”

 

“January 12th.”

 

“As if you’d remember it.”

 

“Favorite food?”

 

“Seafood.”

 

“Same here.”

 

They looked at each other oddly.

 

“Favorite movie?”

 

“Double Indemnity,” Regina answered.

 

“Star Wars.”

 

“Original or prequels?” Regina teased.

 

“Don’t test me, woman. Favorite book?”

 

“Wuthering Heights.”

 

“A Tale of Two Cities.”

 

Regina’s face twisted. “Really?”

 

“Oh, yeah, it didn’t even have pictures,” Emma said sarcastically. “Favorite superhero?”

 

“As a grown woman, I’m sure I don’t have one.”

 

“I’m just gonna tell him it’s Thor.”

 

“Not _Thor,_ God. Captain America.”

 

Emma looked at her incredulously.

 

“Well, what’s yours?”

 

“Spider-Man.”

 

“After that last movie?” Regina made a rude, though poised, sound.

 

“Alright, I think we now know way too much about each other. Just like a real couple.”

 

Regina glanced at the clock. “Oh, look at the time. I was supposed to have dinner in the oven.” Regina reached to get her cookbook from the same shelf under the window.

 

“There is one thing we haven’t discussed.”

 

“And what’s that?” Snagging the book, Regina turned around to find Emma was standing right in front of her.

 

“Sex,” Emma said confidently.

 

Regina blinked. “Was that a question—?”

 

“How was the sex?”

 

“Oh… it was good, I think. It was very, very good.”

 

“Of course it was. And who was on top?”

 

“I hardly think Henry’s going to ask _that_.”

 

“It’ll be good to know. For our characters.”

 

Regina’s eyes smoldered confidently. “Well then, if you must know—I’ve never been on the bottom in my life.”

 

“Then that explains why we were such a good match.” Emma grinned. “When I showed you just how good it was.”

 

“Oh?”

 

Emma leaned in closer. “You have to admit, it’s a pretty compelling picture. You… on your back. Your legs spread. Holding onto the headboard for dear life. Begging me to let you come just one more time.”

 

Regina leaned forward herself. “Oh, yes, very compelling. The same way The Room would be, or that Birdemic movie. But in the actual realm of possibility—you’d be up against the wall, biting your lip, hoping I don’t put any more fingers in you at the same time you’d be willing to sell your soul for just one more.”

 

“Well then, looks like we’ve come to an impasse.”

 

“Looks like.”

 

“I suppose there’s only—one way to figure out which it is.” Emma reached out. As daringly as she would poke a troll, she popped the first button on Regina’s blouse.

 

“Oh, Ms. Swan, are you sure?” Just as daringly, Regina ran a finger down Emma’s cheekbone. “I’d hate for you to have to compare your next monkey to—“ Her finger continued downward, dropping open her next button, “all this.”

 

“That’s the difference between you and me, Mills. Because when you compare all the future conquests in your life to _me_ —“ Emma suddenly fisted her hand in Regina’s hair, drawing her head back, baring her throat. “I won’t hate it at all.”

 

She kissed Regina. Though a helpless moan filled the air, it was impossible to tell which woman it came from.

 

Then the pantry door opened and Emma Swan fell out, pulling off enough of her bindings to rip the gag out of her mouth. “STOP KISSING ME!”

 

Regina turned suddenly. “Wait—the Savior kissing me—and also being tied to a chair?” She pursed her lips. “Did I eat chili before bed again?”

 

The somewhat tied-up Emma growled. “It’s some kind of—face your deepest fear bullshit. Yeah, I know, my greatest fear is myself, it’s so fucking lame. I told her, I said I already came to terms with the fear of abandonment thing, the orphan thing, I know what my issues are! But no, we have to do another _fucking_ afterschool special thing.”

 

“Well, judging by her vocabulary, that’s the genuine article,” Regina mused.

 

Other Emma glared daggers at Emma. “Your greatest fear isn’t yourself, you— _blonde!_ It’s how gay you are.”

 

“I’m not gay!”

 

“You’re just tied up in a woman’s kitchen watching her kiss another woman.”

 

“ _You_ tied me up! And gagged me! What kind of sick mind even thinks about that?”

 

Regina coughed uncomfortably.

 

Emma pulled off another rope. “Something to add, _honey_?”

 

“Don’t bring me into this—“

 

“ _Oh,_ I think you’ve been doing a good job of ‘bringing yourself’ all on your own. Bringing yourself off, that is. Like—like an orgasm… you were going to have an orgasm…” Emma growled again. “I’m so fucking pissed I can’t even quip right now! Regina, how could you make out with me? Has the only thing between my tongue and your esophagus been _five minutes of flirting_ all this time?”

 

“I live in the moment,” Regina said defensively.

 

“No, you don’t, you’re a Scorpio,” Other Emma retorted.

 

Roaring, Emma stood and ripped the gag from where it hung around her throat. “Okay! Okay, I’m cool. Regina, fry that bitch if she tries anything!”

 

“You mean like— _this_?” Other Emma asked, grabbing Regina’s ass.

 

“Fry her!” Emma said instinctively.

 

Regina was looking at Other Emma’s hand on her ass. “I worry that would come off as a little homophobic.”

 

“ _God,_ you’re the frickin’ magician lady! You wanna contribute to this discussion or should I just leave you two alone so you can _do it!”_

“Would you?” Other Emma asked. “Speaking for myself, I was really enjoying that.”

 

Regina blushed.

 

“ _Don’t blush!_ ” Emma ordered. “I can’t believe this!”

 

“Emma, calm down,” Regina urged. “There’s some beer in the refrigerator.”

 

Emma looked at Other Emma petulantly. “I don’t want beer. I want a Yoohoo.”

 

“Well, the other Emma drank all the Yoohoo.”

 

Other Emma stuck her tongue out. Emma mouthed something rude.

 

“And the downside of this quickly becomes apparent,” Regina said. “Now then, if we can all remain calm for five seconds—Other Emma, you say you’re Proper Emma’s greatest fear?”

 

“She’s afraid of how much she wants to kiss you,” Other Emma confirmed. “She thinks about you in the shower sometimes and—“

 

“I would wrestle you to the ground and slap the shit out of you right now,” Emma screamed at her doppelganger, “if I didn’t think Regina would get off on it.”

 

“ _She_ came onto _me!_ ” Regina protested.

 

“You were giving her all the signals,” Emma shot back.

 

“Well, I thought she was you! Those were your signals!”

 

“Gaaaaaaay,” Other Emma chimed in.

 

“Shut up!” they both told her.

 

Regina began to pace, kneading her temples between her hands. “Alright… Emma, this sounds like nightroot. It’s a magical plant that when ingested, causes someone’s deepest fear to manifest in the form of their mirror image so they can literally face their fear.”

 

“How does crap like that even evolve?” Emma asked.

 

“Take it up with Richard Dawkins. This is very important, Emma. Have you eaten anything that someone may have tampered with?”

 

“Well, I did take some coffee from Mary-Margaret’s new midwife.”

 

“And thought she was hot,” Other Emma added.

 

“Shh!” Emma told her.

 

“Alright then, we should take care of her,” Regina said.

 

“Jealous?” Other Emma asked.

 

“Shh!” Regina told her.

 

“And I got some fish from Ariel,” Emma added. “Ruby gave me some free donut holes. Barry, you know, the farmer—he had an extra muffin. Robin Hood let me have a slice of his pizza. Dr. Whale gave me a bagel…” Emma noticed the stares Regina and Other Emma were giving her. “I’m a princess, okay, people give me free food! You say no to that!”

 

“Speaking as a doppelganger of you, you need to watch your weight,” Other Emma said.

 

“I am really getting sick of this bitch,” Emma sneered.

 

“I’m you. I’m literally you.”

 

“I’m cool and nice and awesome. You’re just weird and skanky and—oh my god, does my nose really look like that?”

 

“Emmas, please!” Regina insisted. “It’s clear to me that having the two of you around is a nightmarish horror—not that we needed to prove that—so this curse must be lifted.”

 

“Yeah!” Emma cheered. “Purple smoke her ass, baby!”

 

“Baby,” Other Emma repeated. “What a giveaway!”

 

Very calmly, Regina began undoing the rest of the buttons on her blouse. “And, as this Emma is a manifestation of your greatest fears, she can only be dispelled by conquering those fears.”

 

“Uhh, Regina?” Emma began. “I can see your dirty pillows.”

 

“Hell yeah you can,” Other Emma agreed.

 

“And if your fear is being intimate with me,” Regina continued, stepping out of her pumps, “then we’ll just have to—“ She raised an eyebrow.

 

“Oh, no, nononono!” Emma said. “Well, I mean, if we have to—“

 

“I think just watching would count.” Regina unzipped her skirt. “Other Emma, if you’d accompany me to the bedroom?”

 

Emma grabbed her double’s arm. “Whoa, you’re just gonna… _frick-frack,_ knowing you’ll dissolve or whatever?”

 

Other Emma nodded at Regina, who was leading the way in her bra and panties. “But what a way to go!”

 

Pulling free, she hurried after Regina.

 

Regina slowed to look at the real Emma. “In fact, I think even just listening to us would do the job. Or perhaps just knowing what’s happening.”

 

“We’ll just have to try until we figure it out!” Other Emma said. She didn’t have to sound so enthused, Emma thought.

 

“Hey, wait!” Emma called. “How do you know that she’s the clone and I’m the real deal?”

 

“Besides the fact that she’s said she’s your doppelganger and you’ve said you’re the real Emma?” Regina asked.

 

“We could be lying.”

 

“Why would the real Emma lie about that, it would be completely illogical, idiotic, downright—I take your point.”

 

“So, you know…” Emma slid a shoulder strap off. “Just to be on the safe side…”

 

“Yes?”

 

It was embarrassing to say. But it wasn’t embarrassing to make a Star Trek reference.

 

“Fuck us both, Spock. It’s the only way to be sure.”


End file.
